2009...

So I have made it my new years resolution to start blogging more. I love when I do, it helps get all the ideas and thoughts out of my head and actually do something with them. I love looking back and reading where I have been, where I wanted to go, and what I have done to get there. My successes, my failures, what I have learned. Some people go with the thought to only look forward, for the past is the past and there is nothing you can do about it. I truly believe in looking forward, to set goals, and to better yourself and make decisions now that will affect my future in a positive way. At the same time, I am a true believer in learning through reflection. Over Christmas I was looking through old photo albums and watching old home movies, and I enjoy that stuff so much. My Granny says I am the most nostalgic person she has ever met. I do take that as a complement, but I have come to realize that I hold on too tightly to my past, and sometimes that affects my present. So basically what I am saying is everything in moderation...haha.

This year is going to be so exciting, because I have absolutely no idea what the Lord has in store for me! But I am open and willing, and that alone to some would be terrifying...and not going to lie, it still is a bit! But that is where a heart must be for something truly amazing to happen!

2009

*Currently Reading:
-The Traveler's Gift by Andy Andrews (compliments of Mark Pierce)
-Lady in Waiting by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall (compliments of Jennifer Downey)
-Searching for God Know What by Donald Miller (will finish someday...)

Books in Waiting: The Shack by William P. Young (compliments of Sean Lokkesmoe)

*goal to read 12 books atleast this year*

*Currently Training:
-For my First Half Marathon!!!! ahhh, will keep posted. Goals to continue strength training on off days of training, and to change eating lifestyle.
-Goal to be at my smallest weight (but healthy)

*Fellowship:
-Get involved in the mini-church I just got placed in through FBC
-Start my weekly mentorship meetings this week
-Februrary starts YoungLife training!

*Start a girl's night group!

*Go Sky Diving

So excited for all the newness! All encouragement and comments always welcome!

Focus on those things that are true, noble, just, pure and lovely in a time of harsh reality.

So it has been a long time since I have posted... I actually have been doing a ton of writing the past few months, but going through some challenging times that I felt needed to be dealt with on a personal level. It is wierd how it feels ok to easily divulge details of exciting growth and changes or deal with hardships through an inadverdant standpoint to self medicate through writing... but true heartache hurts to put out there. Almost embarrasing in a way. It is funny that a year ago I had written a blog or diary entry somewhere about how much my life changed in a year...how amazing it was, how much growth and blessings had come into my life. Never in a million years would I have seen myself in this spot another year later. Just another humbling stage that God has better plans then the ones I had in my head a year ago for me at this point. I am in a great spot now, probably one of the most all around healthy spots in my life... but that pain is still there. The emptiness that a best friend once filled, the void of inside jokes and laughter, the absence of physical presence and comfort everday day and night. Questions that will never be answered, a new family abruptly taken away, and watching love dissolve infront of your eyes...all pretty life changing things. But while those things hurt deeply, and dealing with the fact that the person you would give anything to make smile, chooses daily to choose live a life apart from you in it... it is reality, and reality when faced head on can sometimes be too harsh to truly admit and or face.

I am so proud of myself though. I have proven to myself that I am so much stronger than I could have ever imagined. I am doing things I feel called to do, I am finding my independence and satisfaction through God alone. I am focusing on those things that are true, those things that are noble, things are just, pure, and lovely. Sure there have been those few moments self-doubt and insecurity, but easily drowned out by the audible personal growth and achievement I have made. The path is narrow, and few will find it... and I will search it out and continue full heartedly.

living water international...

http://www.water.cc/.water.cc/

Above is a link to a company called Living Water International. I have an aquaintance from college that works for them and remember coming across their website in the past and being very intrigued and impressed with what they do. This weekend at the Women of Faith conference in OKC they showed a video from World Vision that was extremely touching. It showed that every 15 seconds a child dies from unclean drinking water. That children walk 5 miles to get water that is the color of dirt and walk 5 miles back to their community. It breaks my heart that something that is such a neccessity to life and something so plentiful to us in the United States, is so scarce and so unpure that the little amount others can find is actually killing them. Below are some pictures from the website...

So for months I have been praying about going on a short term mission trip. I think getting out of the US to live and serve those who are far less fortunate is such an amazing experience to truly be humbled, thankful, and truly open our minds and hearts to God's plan in our life. Serving others is one of the greatest gift God has given to us. So I have been praying, searching, and keeping my eyes and ears open to God's calling.

Last night I was watching Extreme Home Makeover (which by the way is a great way to end your weekend and start your week). It is always so touching, and this episode especially got to me. A family went on a short term mission trip to Haiti, and despite their tiny house, they saw the needs and potential of several young boys in the orphange which they working in and adopted them. They also adopted a 2 inner city kids from the city in which they lived. Together their family consisted of 13 people, 11 of them pre-teen to teenage boys. God Bless them. The show gave some information on the desparate need in Haiti, and the boys that were adopted were so thankful to be here to get an education and move back to help their country.

So while many would say it is coincidence, I believe God is working. This morning I looked up Living Water International with the purpose of sending the website to the women that went to the Women of Faith conference. I saw do alot of work in Haiti as well! My heart jumped when I saw they have opportunities to join them and help serve the countries (like Haiti) and help drill water pumps.

So I am definitely going to be praying and researching about this, I don't know what God's plan is yet, but I am extremely excited to be open and available to his calling in my life! But please check out the website and see the ways you can help!

5K here I come...

I ran 3.2 miles straight last night, which for some reason felt like a lifetime more than the 3 mile route have been running since I started about 6 weeks ago. I ran at LaFortune Park and even though it was a hard run, I actually really enjoyed it. There are SO many runners there that I am sure are like me and making it a stop on their way home after work. It was encouraging for me to keep going as I saw how many people were doing the same thing. The Tulsa Run is Saturday and will be me first official 5K, I am a little nervous and alot excited.

i want to be...

Last night was my first night to sleep in my new apartment. Thankfully I had my sister there to kind of ease the transition. I hate this stage of being in limbo between places, and I feel like that in so many areas of my life right now. My apartment is not in order, organized or decorated. I just moved offices and my new one is a complete disaster till my furniture comes in next week. I have so many ideas and projects I want to complete, but either don't know exactly how to tackle them from a technical standpoint or simply become overwhelmed with the massive "to-do" list in my head between everything that is going on.

Even in the midst of chaos that seems to be engulfing my spirit, I feel myself become more centered. More in tune with who I am, what I want and what I deserve. For so long I have been trying to be perfect for other people to love me, and recently I have found myself realizing that I don't need to work for love. I am already in the deepest relationship I will ever be in in life with my Lord Jesus Christ. That I am a beautiful creation with so much potential and am always covered by the greatest love that man will ever know, and for me to work at receiving love from a mortal standpoint and spending so much time and energy for approval and affection, is really just ridiculous. That that time and energy should be spent in genuine love given through Christ to others, not working at getting it from others, which until recently I have realized are two totally different things.

I want to be a leader. I want to be inspired and inspiring. I want to be whole. I want to explore all that Christ is and know and feel him everyday. I want to be all around healthy. I want to help and challenge others. I want a peaceful heart. I want an eternal mindset. I want to know the balance between loving myself first without selfishness. I want to be rested. I want to be alive. I want to live passion. I want to follow him and in turn be "a leader worth following" (Doug Franklin).

little graphic projects by me...

A few things I have been working on lately...

Tulsa Tech Hoodie Competition: 2 color image on black hoodie


Fun with Brushes


2 photos I took on a drive to Fairfax that inspired me

transitions...

I am approaching a new "season of life" I guess you could say. I am not the biggest fan of change in general, even when it is for the best in my life. For example, I have cried when packing up every place I have ever lived in (which is 8 times in the past 5 years). It's like right when I get comfortable in my situation something comes along my path to make it change. I am aware that life is ever changing, and that things, people, relationships, friends are ever changing. Sometimes those changes are great, because they are growing into a deeper level filled with higher commitment, greater responsibility, which in turn becomes a wonderful safety and when true fellowship is formed. And sometimes it goes the other way, when things slowly fade for different reasons, being geographically, emotionally, time constraints, work, etc. And if they never got to that deeper bond, the growing apart phase is inevitable to come.

I went to Dallas this last weekend to see old friends that I have been blessed with that deeper bond that external reasons for breaking relationships apart will never do. I love that I have those people in life that when I see them my heart is set at ease, and they can see in my eyes anything that I am going through. I long for these relationships in my current situation that I can grow in day to day.

Any and all prayers in my moving process would so highly appreciated. Prayers for the right place, right location, and mostly for my heart and mind as I impend on this new stage in my life. That my relationship with Christ is strengthened, and that my soul comes to a place that relies on him alone for my strength, independence, and self worth.

For so long I have thought I was ready to be married, and isn't till now that I have realized I am not ready for that at all. That I need to be secure in who I am without the approval of anyone but God's alone. That my life alone is stable, happy and glorifying to God, and that to be with someone else is to better his kingdom together as one.

If I could keep my mind and heart focused on these things at all times. The truth will make this transition much easier because I am not doing it for anyone else but myself and God. But Satan and his power of questioning, self-doubt, and making me feel that need someone else for my own self worth is ridiculous, yet still there. My prayer is that I keep my heart and mind away from him and focused on what is real.