A White Christmas doesn't mean it feels like Christmas...

I feel like every year I say this... and I don't know when my life will start getting some normalcy year to year, but I am not minding it one bit. But OH how much life can change in a year!

Christmas is tomorrow, well actually today since I am up late, and it just doesn't feel like Christmas this year. My sister and her husband are stuck in Edmond due to this random blizzard, this house.. my Mom's dream house is up on the market, so there was no real need for a big tree. My Mom has her first job in over 25 years and has been working like crazy to help out when my family was going through some unfortunate financial situations. I thought I would be in Hawaii right now, but have been couch hopping and looking for a job in Dallas for the past 3 months. I have seen my family go through some of the roughest times we have seen, but God has taught us all so much and great things have been happening by his grace. I have an apartment in Uptown Dallas, my Dad got an amazing job at Baylor Healthcare in Dallas, my Mom will be back to Dallas soon, and my sister has graduated and is a teacher! This past year has taught me so much about family. It is a bond that cannot be broken. That is why when things aren't great, a part of your heart aches with pain. When even in the bad times, the strength of family can overcome anything. That prayer and emotional support is a two way road with every member. That victories are best shared with family. To feel loved unconditionally is the best feeling I think a human could ever feel, and to know that God's love for me is so much more powerful, intimate, and eternal blows my mind and gives me a comfort I couldn't describe.

Talking about bills, car payments, school, and job searching tonight got me kind of down. I start to stress and get anxious. The fact that my sister is not here to wear our Christmas pj's to bed and wake up and open presents together makes me sad. But as I got into my comfy, cozy bed I just sit back and realize how silly and minuscule my worries and sadness are. That I am blessed beyond belief.

I am HEALTHY. I pray for those who are not. I pray for Matt Chandler and his family. What an impact on my life he has made, and so many others. May God be glorified in the highest through this time.

I have an amazing FAMILY. Movies this year like Precious, The Blind Side, and I Can Do Bad All By Myself, really put that in perspective. There are children out there born into physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional abuse. It breaks my heart the things that innocent children will endure and blessed I am to be graciously born into a loving, stable and supportive home.

I have fantastic FRIENDS. Being back in Dallas has been such a blessing in the people God has placed in my life. Old friendships that are golden and held so close to my heart. The fact that all growing up your parents say "you won't even talk to 10% of these people in 10 years", and 15-20 years later, I have friends that have really become my family. And for new friendships within the past year!! I have met some incredible people that I know will be life long friends, and it is not often someone can say that!

I am ALIVE. So many celebrities have died this year. Michael Jackson, Brittany Murphy, Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze, DJ AM, Natasha Richardson, Billy Mays... this year has been a shock of all the young celebrity deaths, and it takes people a moment to realize "wow, life can be taken at any moment", but then forgotten soon thereafter. More personally I have had a dear friend pass away at 25, John Michael Gore. If we are still alive, there is a reason... I want to strive this year to live out that reason in honor of him.

True relection is something I think our society greatly misses out on. Everyone is so busy, running from activity to activity, our lives have been digitally taken over. Reflection like this is refreshing and I highly recommend to anyone that reads this. I spoke earlier of my pastor Matt Chandler, and the week before his seizure Matt did a sermon on the Sabbath that put what the Sabbath really means in a way I never looked at it and put a new light to how crucial rest, restoration and relection are to each of our well-being. Take some time this holiday season to have a yearly Sabbath. Rest in greatness and graciousness, count your blessings, and may you all have a very Merry Christmas.

Everywhere she's going BLING BLING...

It is 5am and I still can't sleep. I downloaded an audiobook, because usually that relaxes my mind and focuses it on something else then all the other thoughts running around in there. I downloaded A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. I am really excited because I love Donald Miller. Blue Like Jazz is my one of my favorite books, and due for another reading very soon. I just finished Weightloss Diaries by Courtney Rubin. It was good, not great... but definitely worth my time. It is a memoir of a 25 yr old journalist and struggles and obsession with weight and food. Some of her stories hit so close to home that when she shared them it brought up something things I had never even realized before, but were so true! Like how when you do start to lose weight and work really hard it, friends and family not realizing it, try to sabotage it. She commented on how friends and family would say she was "wasting away" and tell her she needed to eat more at meals, or try to convince her to eat something against her diet. When in reality she was at a healthy weight, just not what everyone was "used to". I think about every female has some sort of issue with body image, weight, food and exercise, to some extent or another. Anything in excess is too much, being to lax is a slippery path... it is so hard to find a balance. The book was comforting at the least to make me feel not alone, even though I know so many deal with these issues day to day.

So today was a not so great day... one that left me on the verge of tears my whole way home after running a load of errands that caused a problem with each one I ran. You know when some days there is nothing you can pin point that is really make you that upset, but when things just come at you one after another you just feel beaten up and know you just need to go get in bed asap before one more bad thing can happen? That was kind of my day. On a good note however got 8 Christmas presents done and a bag of jewels to bedazzle my camera to match my blinged out phone that makes me so happy. Here are some pics!

Moral of the today... when everything seems to be going wrong, getting gifts to give others and bling will make any day a little brighter :)

Tennessee: A great man gone too early...

With all this free-time being unemployed, I keep saying I need to start blogging more. Everytime I start I get frustrated with the fact that it doesn't look exactly like I want, I don't know what to say or what not to say. Should I have different blogs for different things. Well I am going to try tonight to not let any of things bother me and just go.

I have been unemployed for about 3 months now. Decided to go to graduate school and am waiting to hear back if I have been accepted or not. Still job searching. Living at di

fferent friends in Dallas. Been going to Bent Tree and The Village, really need to settle on one. I really enjoy The Village and so just signed up to go to GroupConnect, to find a home group and get connected. I am pumped about it! Also praying about which YL to get involved with. All prayers welcomed for that!

Moving to a new apartment complex off George Bush and the Tollway in December...SO excited to have my own place again!!! Have enjoyed staying with everyone and am so thankful I have so many great friends that have opened up their homes, but there is something about having a place that is just yours! (and to have Miss Ritz back again!)

Most recently what has been laying heavy on my heart is the passing of a good friend, John Michael Gore. I met him fall of 2004, the beginning of my sophomore year of college at a party. You meet tons of people at parties, and people come and go quickly out of your life through those times, but Tennessee was different. The first time I met him he asked about a million and one questions. It is not often you meet people that are so genuinely interested in others and what they are all about. Tennessee was one of those fri

ends you could count on anytime, any day. He was different then all the guys I was friends with and had dated in my life, therefore one of the few I stayed in touch with even till the last time we talked 2 months ago. He passed away Sunday, October 11th, 2009 from a disease called Hepatarenal Syndrome. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote on his guestbook on his website that sums up my relationship and high regards of what an amazing person he was...

Mr. and Mrs. Gore,

I had met you a few years back at the Bass Pro Shop in Oklahoma City when I was on a date with John Michael (Tennesse to me... actually I had nicknamed him Ohio and called him that since my sophmore year of college, haha). Your son was one of the greatest men I have ever known and loved you both and held you to the highest regard that I had ever met a guy our age respect his parents with. Every story was one of him and his "ole man", his best friend and confidant. Tennessee was one of the only friends I held onto all through college and even after college. You raised a wonderful man that I don't think anyone ever could have one bad thing to say about, which is hard to come by in this day of age. Even my parents and grandparents were extremely saddened by his passing when they had never even met him. By stories alone, they respected him by the way he had always respected me. A true southern gentleman, a respectful and caring man to his very core. I will always cherish our late night talks about life and memories together.

I wish I would have known he was sick, as I would have been a prayer warrior for him like no other. But I know he is with our heavenly father, in a better place, and that we will see him again soon. I may not have gotten to pray for him while he was sick, but I am praying for you both now everyday. My heart breaks for your loss, because I know how close you all were and how much he loved you with all he had. I could never say enough great things about John Michael Gore.

Please visit his website at johnmichaelgore.com to read about a great man that left us way too early. A man that loved his family and country, and had the biggest heart of anyone I had met. When I fell off a dock in the summer of 07', Tennesse sent me the biggest bouquet of purple orchids because he knew purple was my favorite color. Just small things like that... he was so caring and sincere. I have been to many funerals and known many people that have died, but Tennessee has been by far the hardest for me. He was only 25 years old. So young, so much life ahead of him, so much life we all take for granted everyday. Life is short, life is sweet... capture every ounce of it you can, for you never know when your time is up here on earth.

change in plans...

So I am sure many have heard different things of the major changes in my immediate plans. So I thought I would try and catch everyone up to speed...

I had been planning for past several months to leave in early September for a 6 month mission trip with Youth With a Mission. My prayer from the very beginning was that if this is where God wanted me, then I would trust he would provide financially. I was counting largely on financial contributions from my family, my church, and moved home to save my last 3 paychecks to put towards my trip. Unfortunately the company my Dad, uncle and myself are employed through is struggling financially, resulting in me having to be laid off earlier than expected and finances within my family being very tight. I had filled out an application to be supported financially through my church and they were unable to help because the program I was going with was not an approved agency through the church because members had not had great experiences with YWAM in the past. With my prayer from the beginning being if this is where you want me, then I will trust in you financially... and with all of these roadblocks and not being able to raise the money, I decided to do some research because of the reasons my church gave me. I felt dumb for not seeking counsel first and asking about the program before this point, but am so glad I did earlier rather than later. After speaking with people's who opinion and Godly advice I take dear to heart, I decided that this was not the program or time for me to leave.

So I am now in complete limbo. All of my belongings are in storage, I have no job, but know I want to live in Dallas. I still of a desire to serve, and am talking with the church I will be attending in Dallas about going on a trip with a team from the church. There is a church in Flowermound that I attended when I went home from college that is led by an amazing pastor that I have listend to for years, Matt Chandler. They are opening up a new campus in Dallas and I am so excited to get involved! So I have decided to move to Dallas next week and live with friends while I get my resume and portfolio together, search for jobs, network, and get involved with the new Village church campus. I am SO excited to go "home". I have the most amazing friends there that are really like family and I know that this is the place that I meant to be.

It is crazy how much things can change, but even more proof that our lives are not in our hands. Usually when making big decisions like this I feel anxious and unsure... but the complete peace I have right now in my heart is so calming to know that this is the right decision in my life.

Thank you so much for those that had supported my trip and for the prayers and thoughts.

Decision Making Steps...

It is crazy to think about where I was even a week ago. How quick your whole life can change in a blink of an eye. So many things going through my head, I had to get out for a run just to let them sort themselves out. I was talking to one of my best friends today about how to know where God is leading us. It is a standard question that every Christian asks themselves from time to time. As humans we can't grasp even the smallest bit of the many ways God speaks to us, and we look for signs and try to guess like it is a game of what door God wants us to open. My friend had a great point that we can't look for coincidences and signs to do something or not do it. Signs, coincidences, and ironic turn of events can all be used for good and for evil, yet as long as we are seeking truth his plans for us will prevail. I do believe that God opens and closes doors, and I am trying so hard to prayerfully approach the big decisions I am going to have to make in the next few weeks. I desire to serve him. It is then when I feel the most at peace in my soul. Please pray that I seek truth and not my own will.

I was doing some googling (what a great word), and came across this article in about.com of all places! I am going to read a few more times, I really like the way it puts it all out there and gives verses to meditate on when coming up on big decisions...

Biblical Decision Making Steps

1. Begin with prayer. Frame your attitude into one of trust and obedience as you commit the decision to prayer. There's no reason to be fearful in decision making when you are secure in the knowledge that God has your best interest in mind.

   Jeremiah 29:11
   "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."(NIV)

2. Define the decision. Ask yourself if the decision involves a moral or non-moral area. It is actually a little easier to discern the will of God in moral areas because most of the time you will find clear direction in God's Word. If God has already revealed his will in Scripture, your only response is to obey. Non-moral areas still require the application of biblical principles, however, sometimes the direction is harder to distinguish.

   Psalm 119:105
   Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. (NIV)

3. Be ready to accept and obey God's answer. It's unlikely that God will reveal his plan if he knows already that you won't obey. It is absolutely essential that your will be completely submitted to God's. When your will is humbly and fully submitted to the Master, you can have confidence that he will illuminate your path.

   Proverbs 3:5-6
   Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
   do not depend on your own understanding.
   Seek his will in all you do,
   and he will show you which path to take. (NLT)

4. Exercise faith. Remember too, that decision making is a process that takes time. You may have to resubmit your will over and over again to God throughout the process. Then by faith, which pleases God, trust him with a confident heart that he will reveal his will.

   Hebrews 11:6
   And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. (NIV)

5. Seek concrete direction. Begin investigating, evaluating and gathering information. Find out what the Bible says about the situation? Gain practical and personal information that relates to the decision, and begin writing down what you learn.
6. Obtain counsel. In difficult decisions it's wise to get spiritual and practical counsel from the godly leaders in your life. A pastor, elder, parent, or simply a mature believer can often contribute important insight, answer questions, remove doubts and confirm inclinations. Make sure to choose individuals who will offer sound biblical advice and not just say what you want to hear.

   Proverbs 15:22
   Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.(NIV)

7. Make a list. First write down the priorities you believe God would have in your situation. These are not the things that are important to you, but rather the things that are most important to God in this decision. Will the outcome of your decision draw you closer to God? Will it glorify him in your life? How will it impact those around you?
8. Weigh the decision. Make a list of the pros and cons connected with the decision. You may find that something on your list clearly violates the revealed will of God in his Word. If so, you have your answer. This is not his will. If not, then you now have a realistic picture of your options to help you make a responsible decision.
9. Choose your spiritual priorities. By this time you should have enough information to establish your spiritual priorities as they relate to the decision. Ask yourself which decision best satisfies those priorities? If more than one option will fulfill your established priorities, then choose the one which is your strongest desire!

   Sometimes God gives you a choice. In this case there is no right and wrong decision, but rather a freedom from God to choose, based on your preferences. Both options are within God's perfect will for your life and both will lead to the fulfillment of God's purpose for your life.

10. Act on your decision. If you have arrived at your decision with the sincere intention of pleasing the heart of God, incorporating biblical principles and wise counsel, you can proceed with confidence knowing that God will work out his purposes through your decision.

    Romans 8:28
    And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (NIV)

Can't wait for Dallas this weekend.

Today is what you get...

Who would of thought a year ago I would be in this place. I feel like I have written this blog about every year… and it just proves to show that your life is not in your hands, and your best made plans aren’t always the best. Life is an adventure. Meant to be spent, not saved. And while I know this deep in my soul, why do I always search for comfort. Why is change always so hard for me. You would think after moving 10+ times in the past 6 years I would be used to it. Yet every year I am taken on a world wind of events that have me ending up in places I never thought I’d be.

A year ago I was in Destin, FL with my family and my ex. I had a good job, lived in a nice house, was with who I “thought” was the one, and had given in to the fact that I was going to be in Tulsa for the rest of my life. Wow what a year can do. I now sit in an almost empty apartment and can’t sleep at 5am. In this apartment alone I have learned so much about myself. I had a period of strong growth at the beginning, learning I can pick myself up after just about anything and am stronger than I had thought. I have made some of the most amazing friends since I have lived in this apartment, girls who will be lifelong friends. I have found my faith again. Not that it ever left, but it has been strengthened so much as God has shown me what I am capable of through him.

My whole life I have had a “plan” for at least the next couple years in front of me, and when that plan got detoured I always knew I would be here close to my parents. I always knew that whatever happened they were there, my job was there, and financial problems would never be and had never been a issue. I would never in a million years have guessed this is the position we would be in. It is sad, and it is hard, but it all is happening for a reason, and I pray that God keeps shining that light at the end of the tunnel.

I leave for my trip in about a month. Packing up my stuff, moving it to storage and knowing that my family might not even be here when I get back is so strange to me. I am excited to move back to Dallas. I am excited to move back to where I feel is “home”. Yet right now I need to focus on what is in store for me in the next 6 months. I find myself getting way too caught up in trying to plan so far in advance. I think everyone does need to have some sort of plan for their life, but I need to focus more on the present. Not be sad to leave my past, but thoroughly excited to see what God has in store for my life this year!

Look back,
but not for too long.
Look forward,
but with an open mind.
Learn from your past,
don't dwell on it.
Be prepared for the future,
but ready for change.
Enjoy now.
Live now.
Today is what you get.

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers....

What a great feeling. What a huge relief. To see him and their not be an ounce of regret, sadness, missing, or feelings of being incomplete. What a great turn my life has taken. I will cherish those times always, but I will cherish them with complete thankfulness of the huge blessing that the Lord took hold of the situation when needed. I truly think time is a blessing and a curse, but sometimes is just all you can wait on till the other feels the same.

There is so much within me, so much passion and so much drive. So much adventure I need to experience. So may places I need to see. If the life I thought I wanted 6 months ago would have panned out, I would have looked back in 5 years with so much regret and remorse. I would most likely end up resenting him, and resentment is not part of the marriage I am meant to have. While the life I thought I wanted wasn't wrong, and isn't not what I want deep inside...because it is. I want to end up in Tulsa. I want to raise a strong Christian family. I want to have friends and family close and be the most amazing Mom I can be... But I have my whole life to do that. But I had that mindset way too early, and I would have settled and continued in a pattern that was not challenging mentally and spiritually, and with someone who wasn't capable of loving me to the extent that I love people.

It was so great to talk to old friends tonight. Their encouraging words meant more than they know. Their genuine friendship and kind souls are one in a million. But as I told them tonight, I am meant to live an exciting life. Filled with passion and adventure, and really take full advantage of the time I have here.

I am just so happy inside. So excited. So alive. So thankful that everything has worked out the way it has!